omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
