I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
