Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She needs sedatives and a leash
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
