Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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