I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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