when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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