About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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