also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
