Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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