I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
