I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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