When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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