okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
