I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
