On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
