Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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