Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
