I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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