I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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