If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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