my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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