porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
