I think I won the penis lottery.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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