She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
