I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
