I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
