if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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