When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
