He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
