Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
