either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
