that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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