I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
