Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
