Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
