What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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