I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Randomize
