I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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