She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
