So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
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