this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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