if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
