just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
