And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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