The best revenge is premature balding
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
