The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
