3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
