got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
