I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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