Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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