just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
