I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
